As the nights draw in and the sun is seen less and less, many of us begin to notice changes in our own lives around this time. Fighting to get out of bed in the morning, struggling to find time to get outside, and trying to judge the safest time to venture out are common experiences. Motivation can hit an all-time low as our bodies urge us to slow down and move towards hibernation, craving more calories and rest to prepare for the cold. While this can bring frustration and a sense of dread, this change is normal for humans and is a natural part of the cycle of the seasons. Modern life has not adapted to accommodate the change of seasons, and for many of us our bodies want to return to their natural state of rest, slowing down and looking inward.
This can prove to be difficult during a period that is synonymous with being hectic and busy, rushing to prepare for Christmas, combined with financial anxieties that force us to take more shifts or a few extra jobs at the weekend, just to get by. Many of us try to actively resist this change, and it makes sense, our responsibilities don’t just disappear, and procrastinating can add more to our ever-growing to-do lists.
What’s important to consider during these times is that it’s vital to check in with ourselves and be aware of how the change of seasons can impact our lives, both externally and internally. As the nights become shorter and we spend less time outside, our attention can wander inwards. If we are struggling, it can be an opportunity for these difficult emotions to become amplified. It can be easy for us to avoid or ignore these warning signs by numbing ourselves with alcohol, doom-scrolling on our phones, or binge eating. Ignoring uncomfortable thoughts and feelings doesn’t make them go away; it tends to exacerbate the problem, causing them to pile up and lead to further turmoil.
In many circumstances, it can get too much for us and we end up reaching breaking point: snapping at our partner, shouting at our kids in frustration, or even lashing out at strangers. For some, this can result in much more serious actions that may cause harm to ourselves or others. Often, in an attempt to cope, we displace our emotions. We start to project our uncomfortable feelings onto others and find ourselves looking for someone to blame for how we are feeling. This can put immense strain on our relationships and our ability to connect meaningfully with others.
All of this tends to come at times of high stress and anxiety and can often be amplified even more when spending time with family. For many people, Christmas and New Year can be a real challenge and can bring up some uncomfortable feelings. We can unconsciously reenact old family patterns that we forgot existed, helplessly being transported back to being a younger version of ourselves or even turning into our own critical parent who once inflicted the same torment we now inflict on our children. It can be hard to reassert ourselves authentically, and we may feel powerless in these dysfunctional dynamics.
We may not even be conscious that this is happening, however, our body will be the first to remind us. Our threat response can be activated more readily, causing a heightened sense of alertness, ready to defend ourselves against any possible threat. Often these threats come in the form of feelings of inadequacy, disrespect, or having our boundaries pushed. Our body attempts to adapt to the threat, resulting in us responding with fight, flight, or fawn. Many of these experiences can be extremely triggering, especially when there is past trauma. These traumatic emotions can be amplified when we are surrounded by challenging family members, especially when there’s alcohol involved.
We may feel powerless to these unconscious patterns and feel unable to get through this period without experiencing intensified unpleasant emotions. How do we remedy this? In all honesty, there is no one solution that will take all these problems away. However, I’ve compiled a small list of suggestions that you can practise yourself and decide what is useful. These are based upon a combination of evidence-based techniques rooted in cognitive behavioural therapy and mindfulness approaches.
Accepting How You Are Feeling
Many of our unpleasant feelings come from trying to resist our emotions. This is the first step to being able to regulate your emotions in a healthy way. If you are feeling anxious, try to bring your awareness to it and acknowledge it, pay attention to how it feels in your body and breathe into it. If we try to resist it by “thinking our way out of it,” it can cause more anxiety to build up. The main goal here is to move away from avoidance and acknowledge how you are feeling. Once we’ve accepted how we are feeling, we can move towards making changes that will help manage and soothe our emotional system. Through our growing awareness, we can begin to see patterns and triggers that help us understand our anxiety in a clearer way.
Take Time to Reflect
This is something that takes time to practise and implement into your day-to-day life but becomes extremely useful. There has been extensive research on the importance of reflective functioning and its impact on our ability to regulate emotions and build healthy relationships (see Fonagy). Reflective functioning is like a muscle that you need to stretch regularly.
A basic way to do this is to journal. This can take many forms, and you don’t need to be chained to a pen and paper to write a thousand words each day. Finding some time to think about your day — what went right, what went wrong, and how you felt — helps flex this muscle and bring awareness to parts of ourselves we may ignore when we are passively going through the day. While pen and paper is traditional, many people use alternatives such as the notes app on their phone or a voice recorder. The key is to externalise your internal process and bring it into awareness. Often, when we see or hear our internal process outside of ourselves, it offers a new perspective that may not have been present before.
Practising our reflective abilities can also help us improve our relationships with others, allowing us to exercise empathy by seeing things from others’ perspectives.
Connect with the Comfort of Meeting Your Basic Human Needs
In Sweden they have a term known as “Hygge” — a word that describes the satisfying feeling of contentment that comes with enjoying life’s simple pleasures. It’s exemplified by keeping warm and cosy during the winter period. Stopping to appreciate a cup of hot tea next to the fire, or sharing a warm hearty meal with your family or friends, reminds us that many of our needs can be met through the everyday simplicity of life.
As the leaves are stripped from the trees, so too is our ability to engage with the more lavish elements of life. This is a gift that often goes unnoticed, as it allows us to appreciate parts of our life that we often take for granted. Take time to embrace the season: light a candle, put on a warming jumper, and indulge in connection on the couch with a loved one. Bringing our awareness to the simple pleasures in our everyday life can offer new perspective and appreciation, particularly during a time when we are often caught up in materialistic consumption.
Connecting with Others
As humans, we are naturally driven toward social connection. Historically, being around others provided a valuable evolutionary function that kept us safe and secure from potential threats. Although conditions are different in this modern era, we still crave that human connection and are pulled toward the safety of the tribe.
During this period, it is easy to fall into isolation. It’s important that we stay connected to others and have the opportunity to engage in meaningful ways. Calling someone for a catch-up, meeting for a coffee, or engaging in a group activity such as an exercise class or community coffee morning is a great way to build connection into your daily routine. Reaching out first can be daunting, but by pushing yourself out of your comfort zone bit by bit, you might find connections in places you weren’t expecting. Maybe it’s that neighbour you see walking their dog or someone you see regularly at the gym. Start with a smile and a hello, and see where it takes you.
Take Time for Yourself
It may seem counterintuitive to add another responsibility to your list after discussing how challenging this time of year can be, but this one is particularly important. Taking time for yourself can be something you do daily, or something you do when you’re in one of those challenging family situations mentioned earlier.
Being aware of your own needs, acknowledging their importance, and deciding to meet those needs is a skill that requires practice — particularly for those of us who believe our needs are less important than others’. It requires practice and sometimes adaptability, but taking time to acknowledge that you are worthy of time for yourself is a great start toward a more authentic and fulfilling way of being.
One thing I find useful when socialising gets a bit too much is to give yourself five minutes to sit alone, breathe, or listen to a short guided meditation — there are lots of free short meditations online. This is also a good opportunity to learn more about yourself and understand what you enjoy. You might want to try a new hobby or skill such as painting or gardening — find out what brings you comfort and satisfaction, and lean into it.
Build a Regular Daily Routine
This is useful all year round but particularly important over the winter period. Try not to do too much at once, start small and build gradually. Having something to begin your day with and something to end your day with is a great place to start. Using some of the tools previously mentioned could help. For example, a quick 15-minute walk before you check your phone or start work, or reading a few pages of a book with a cup of tea before you begin anything important.
It may take some practice, but having structure and predictability can create a sense of stability in your day-to-day life. Routine shouldn’t feel like a prison — we aren’t aiming for a military-style schedule, but something structured and flexible. It’s an opportunity to practise prioritisation and work out what your non-negotiables are for day-to-day wellbeing.
A useful exercise to work out what a daily routine might look like for you is to close your eyes and begin visualising what an ideal day might look like. If you could wake up tomorrow and live an ideal day, what would that look like? Try to keep it realistic — we may drift into a fantasy world of unrealistic expectations, but use this as a guide to identify what you value and where you want to get to. This exercise can highlight your own priorities that are worth scheduling.
These are all just suggestions, and a reminder that these are not skills that can be mastered once and for all — they require patience and regular practice. Think about it like brushing your teeth or doing the dishes: you never complete the washing up or teeth brushing. They both need to be maintained daily.
I hope you’ve found this useful and have taken something from it. While it can feel overwhelming to stay on top of all this, remember to be kind to yourself — we are all just trying the best we can with the tools we have to hand.
If you are finding it particularly tough this time of year, please remember there are resources available to you. You might find it helpful to contact one of the following trusted services:
• Mind – for information and local support: mind.org.uk
• Samaritans – 24-hour free helpline: 116 123
If you’re ever feeling unsafe, very distressed or thinking of harming yourself, please call 999 or go to your nearest A&E.
CIARAN Febers 
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